Please hold all emails until further notice. I'm in hospital. I was attacked by a woman in a lift. Luckily a witness got her photograph for the police - see below:
I was in the lift when she got in. I was casually staring at her tits when she said, "Would you please press 1."
So I did. I don't remember much after that.
I should be out of the hospital in a few days.
A man passed out drunk on the beach in Naples for four hours.
Received horrible sunburn, specifically to the front of his legs above his knees.
He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?'
The Doctor replied, 'It won't really do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'
An Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London. He asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music, especially Western music which is the music of the infidel.
The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door.
The Muslim asked him, "What are you doing?"
The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis either, so fuck off and wait for a camel."
Fred works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local nightclub club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Fred! How ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Fred. "He's in my bowling league."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Fred if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Fred, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Freddie, want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Fred's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Fred follows and spots her getting into a taxi.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Fred tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Fred, you picked up a real bitch this time."
Fred's funeral will be on Saturday.
You're a sick senior citizen and the government says there is no nursing home care available for you. So what do you do?
Our plan gives anyone 65 years, or older, a gun (G) and 4 bullets.
You are allowed to shoot four Politicians.
Of course, this means you'll be sent to prison, where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning and all the health care you need.
Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That's great.
Need a new hip, knees, kidney, lungs or heart? They're all covered.
As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now.
And who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they can't afford for you to go into a home.
And, you can get rid of 4 useless politicians while you're at it.
Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes anymore.
Is this a great country or what?