Black bra size 38

 

A Chinese guy goes into a Jewish-owned establishment to buy black bras, size 38.

The Jewish store keeper, known for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers. Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them. The Chinese guy buys 25 pairs.

He returns a few days later and this time orders 50. The Jewish owner tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each.

The Chinese guy returns a month later and buys the store's remaining stock of 50 and this time for $75.00 each.

The Jewish owner is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black size 38 bras and asks the Chinese guy, "Please tell me. What do you do with all these black bras?"

The Chinese guy answers: "I cut them in half and sell them as skull caps to Jewish men for $200.00 each."

....and this is why the Chinese own us!

Lo and behold

I have always questioned if Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton were really preachers since they have no church. When I heard Al Sharpton was guest preacher at a black Houston Church, I decided to check him out in person and see what it was all about.

I sat down and Sharpton came up to me, I don't know why, maybe it was because I was the only white person in the Church. He laid his hands on my hand and said: "By the will of Jesus the Lord All Mighty, and the will of God, you will walk today." I told him I was not paralyzed.

He came back and laid his hands on me again, and repeated the same thing. Again I told him there is nothing wrong with me

After the sermon I stepped outside and, lo and behold, my car had been stolen!

Something to ponder

 

Two Irishmen were waiting at the bus stop when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of turf.

Jimmy said, “I’m gonna do dat when I win da lottery.”

“What's dat den?” asks Mikey.

“Send me lawn away to be mowed."

 

A Pirate Walked into a Bar

A pirate walked into a bar, and the publican said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before." "Well," said the pirate, "we were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The publican replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "one day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them s hit in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the publican. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."

"It was my first day with the hook."

What causes arthritis?

A drunk man who smelled of liquor sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replied, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned”, then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

Fear

Ever since I was a child, I've had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him, "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year", said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"Eighty dollars per visit", replied the doctor.

"I'll sleep on it", I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?", he asked.

"Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck."

"Is that so?", he said with a bit of an attitude. "And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now."

FORGET THE SHRINK...

HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!

Texting

Husband's Message (by text):

Darling, I got hit by a car outside the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They have been doing tests and taking X-rays. The blow to my head, though very strong, should not have any serious or lasting effect. But I have three broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture of the left leg and they may have to amputate my right foot. Fingers crossed!

Wife's Response:

Who's Paula?

If light stay on more than 4 hour, call erectrician

Fred

 

This financial crisis is forcing governments and business at all levels to make some tough decisions. If things continue like this for much longer, there's a real risk that we may have to lay Fred off.

An Irish funeral

Paddy died. His will provided £40,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Colleen turned to her oldest and dearest friend.

"Ah well, Paddy would be pleased," she said.

"You're right," replied Mary, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "So go on, how much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Colleen. "Forty thousand."

"Aw No!" Mary exclaimed, "I mean, it was very grand, but £40,000?!!!"

Colleen answered, "The funeral was £6,500. I donated £500 to church. The whisky, wine and snacks were another £500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone."

Mary computed quickly. "For the love of God Colleen, £32,500 for a Memorial Stone? How big is it?"

.

.

 

 

 

A true interview

 

You know there are so many TV channels, each one starved for new programs. In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who might have some theories on the matter.

Lady reporter: “I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?”

The farmer stared at the reporter and said, “Did you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?"

Reporter (obviously embarrassed): “Well, sir, that's a new piece of information but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?”

Farmer: “Miss, did you know that we milk a cow twice a day?”

Reporter: “Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?”

Farmer: “I am getting to the point, Miss. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day ..... and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?”

THE TV INTERVIEW WAS NEVER AIRED

 

Oh Craig!

A dedicated AWU union worker, Craig Thompson, was attending a convention in Sydney and decided to check out the local brothels.

When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union run house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered.

Offended at such unfair dealings, Craig stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."

Craig asked, "And, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" Craig said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde.

"I’d like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next cab of the rank!"

Oops!

A man received the following text from his neighbour:

"I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again."

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in: "Damn auto correct. I meant 'wifi', not 'wife'."

Deer

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they beg their dad for the clue.

Well, he said, "It's what mummy calls me sometimes".

The little girl screams to her brother, "Don't eat it, it's an arsehole".