Psychology v Law

A bloke is looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library. He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"

The girl replied in a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the students in the library started staring at the bloke; he was truly embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the bloke's table and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"

The bloke then responded in a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? . .. . THAT'S TOO MUCH!"

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The bloke whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to screw people."

WHY CONDOMS COME IN BOXES OF 3, 6, AND 12

 

A man walks into Boots with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March......."

 

Surprised

How important is eye shadow?

Women go to extreme lengths to attract men. Fellas should read this too!

Ladies, the best way to attract a man is with your eyes.

That's why it's so important to have your eye shadow perfectly applied. Remember, if it weren't for the excellent application of proper eye makeup, this young lady probably wouldn't get a second look from most men.

I could be wrong – I’ve been wrong before!

 

The Original Sin

Colonoscopy

 

Being nervous, and embarrassed about my upcoming colonoscopy, on a recommendation, I decided to have it done while visiting friends in San Francisco where the beautiful nurses are allegedly more gentle and accommodating.

As I lay naked on my side on the table, the gorgeous nurse began my procedure.

"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure, it's quite normal to get an erection," the nurse told me.

"Well, I haven't got an erection," I replied.

"No, but I have," replied the nurse.

Don't get a colonoscopy in San Francisco ....

 

Some slightly bent humour

1. A Catholic boy in confession says, “Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister.” “That's a disgrace,” said the priest, “especially when you have two gorgeous younger brothers.”


2. My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.
3. I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
4. After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “Bugger it, soldier on!”
5. I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.
6. Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
7. The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"
8. My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
9. A girl I know said the last time she had sex, it was like the men's Olympic 100 meter final. I laughed, "Over in 9.5 seconds?" "No," she said, "Eight black men and a gun."
10. A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.
11. I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

This is a medical warning!!!

Eating too much chocolate can cause small feet!!!

see below:

New password

Sex after surgery

"You'll be fine," the doctor said after finishing the young blonde woman's surgery.

"But, she asked, how long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed the girl.

"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied, “Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils removed."

The furniture dealer

Eugene, a furniture dealer from St. John's Newfoundland, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home.

To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table; asked him something in French (which Eugene couldn't understand); so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.

He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.

They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner..... after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, Eugene has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

Fettuccine Alfredo

This is only for people who like Italian food

Fettuccine Alfredo

Ingredients
10 ounces fettuccini pasta
1/2 cup butter
5 cloves garlic, chopped
1 cup heavy cream
1 egg yolk
2 cups freshly grated Parmesan cheese
2 tablespoons dried parsley

Directions

1. Bring a large pot of lightly salted water to a boil.

Add fettuccine pasta and cook for 8 to 10 minutes or until al dente; drain.

2. In a large skillet melt the butter and add the chopped garlic.

Cook on low for about 5 minutes, stirring often, making sure not to burn the garlic.

3. Pour about a 1/4 cup of the heavy cream into a small bowl.

Add the egg yolk and beat together; put aside. Pour the remaining cream into the frying pan.

Increase the heat to medium-high. As the cream starts to boil, mix rapidly using a whisk.

Slowly add the cream/egg mixture. You do not want the egg to curdle.

Continue whisking until well blended.

4. Add 1 cup of the Parmesan cheese and continue to mix the cream.

Pour in the remaining Parmesan and the parsley, mix until smooth.

Immediately remove from stove. Serve over cooked pasta.

IF YOU SCROLLED PAST THE PHOTO AND ACTUALLY READ THIS RECIPE, THERE IS A GOOD CHANCE YOU MAY BAT FOR THE OTHER SIDE

 

Teaching maths in Britain

1. Teaching Maths In 1970

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?


2. Teaching Maths In 1980

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is 80% of the price. What is his profit?


3. Teaching Maths In 1990

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is £80. How much was his profit?


4. Teaching Maths In 2000

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.


5. Teaching Maths In 2005

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habit of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.


6. Teaching Maths In 2009

A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the application for the felling license. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something.. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target.

When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail again the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a departure BBQ of squirrel and pheasant and leave behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting.

The forester on release is warned that failure to clear the fly tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offense. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.

Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state for the rest of his life?


7. Teaching Maths In 2010

A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securities debt related to sub-prime mortgages in Alabama and lost the lot, with only some government money left to pay a few million-pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses.

The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry. However, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it.

Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the governments expense. Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master.

The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonuses are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances. You do the maths.


8. Teaching Maths 2017

أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة الانتاج 80 من الثمن. ما هو الربح له؟= 20

 

You seem to have a one-track mind!

Embarrassed now? Stop looking at the ceiling!

News just in

 

A Navy ship stops four Muslims in a row boat, heading towards Australia.

The captain gets on the loudhailer and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft, where are you heading?"

One of the Muslims stands up and shouts, "We are invading Australia!"

The crew of the Navy ship start laughing and when the captain finally restores order, he gets back on the loudhailer and asks: "Just the four of you?"

The Muslim stands up again and shouts: "No, we're the last four. The rest are already there!"

Happy Hour in Bangkok

Doc knows best

 

A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on VB he beats me up."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk on VB, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his beer stupor."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor! that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk on VB, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

 

New bra

Nice Souvenir Photograph of 24 Newly Wedded Couples in Enfield, Near London

Let's hope that each husband goes home with the right tablecloth

A struggling retiree

The Global Financial Crisis has affected us all but especially retirees on a fixed income.

A good friend, recently retired, has just now explained his desperate situation to me:

He has to eat moldy cheese ...

... and dried meat.

He drinks old wine ...

... and his car has no roof ...

... and his bathtub is outside in the garden.

And as he can't afford to buy sun creme to protect his nose,
he has to resort to desperate measures.

However, he struggles on ...

They are totally fake

You gotta be kidding me!!!

There’s no way those are her real fingernails.

 

What is wrong with that?

 

An Emergency Call Centre worker in London has been dismissed from her job, to the dismay of colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with her treatment.

It seems a male caller dialled 000 from a mobile phone stating, "I am depressed and lying here on the railway lines. I am waiting for the train to come so I can finally meet Allah."

Apparently "remain calm and stay on the line" was not considered to be an appropriate or correct response.

Beats me!!

 

An Italian Affair

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to Ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money If she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey, 'she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written: 'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce!'

The father of one of my kids.....

A guy goes to the supermarket and notice a very attractive woman waving at him. She says, 'Hello.'

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he asks, 'Do you know me?'

To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.

So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your girl friend whipped my butt with wet celery?'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly,

'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

The Sensitive Man

A woman meets a man in a bar.They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, She is quite impressed by his sensitive side. but doesn't mention this to him. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?' She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how was it?' The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says: 'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'

QUEEN OF THE BLONDES

What will I be when I grow up?

Church ladies with typewriters

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:


The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.


The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.'The sermon tonight:'Searching for Jesus.'


Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.


Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.


Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.


For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.


Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.


Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.


A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..


At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.


Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.


Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.


Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..


The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.


Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.


The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.


This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.


The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.


Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.


The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM .. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.


Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.


The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.

Spectacular new FERRARI

A question that is often asked of someone with a new car is "what will it do". The answer is usually something like "zero to 60 in 3.3 seconds," or something along those lines.

Well, here's the brand new 2013 Ferrari "458 Italia"

First, here's what it looks like:

And here is what it will do...

Any questions ?

Jewish mother

A Jewish daughter says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Nathan. All he wants is sex, sex and more sex. My vagina is now the size of a 50-cent piece When it used to be the size of a 5 cent piece."

Her mother says, "You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman. You live in an 8 bedroom mansion. You drive a $250,000 Ferrari. You get $2,000 a week allowance. You take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away over 45 cents?"

NOW THAT'S A JEWISH MOTHER!!!

This is an incredible story

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.

The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same fucking elephant.

 

This is for everyone who sends me those heart-warming, bullshit stories.

A call from the tax accountant

Hello, is this Miss Singleton?

- Yes, it is me.

Miss Singleton, this is John Smith, your tax accountant. I must inform you that your tax statement was rejected by the Tax Office. They say that your salary and your possessions are incompatible. Your salary as a secretary is too low for you to be able to afford a luxury apartment, a new Mercedes-Benz, expensive clothing, jewelry, vacations in Europe, etc.

- Oh, and what can I do about it?

Well, let's do the following: send me a recent copy of your principal source of income, and I'll see what I can do with it at the Tax Office.

- Very well, Mr. Smith. I'm making a photocopy of it right now, and I will fax it to you shortly.

Weather

Just got off the phone with a woman living in northern Ontario, near the Manitoba border. She said that since early this morning the snow is nearly waist-high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping and is at about-15degrees, and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. Her husband has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. She says that if it gets much worse, she may have to let him in.

She got the job hands down

The woman applying for a job in a lemon orchard seemed to be far too qualified for the job, given her arts and education degrees and her jobs as a social worker and school teacher. The foreman frowned and said, ”I have to ask you this: "Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter of fact, I have!" she said. "I've been divorced three times, owned two Falcons, supported the Tigers, and I voted for Julia Gillard."

Obama with Thai Minister

It’s not funny… wait until we get home!

NEWLY ARRIVED EMIRATES' AIRBUS A-380

FIRST CLASS STEWARDESS

ECONOMY CLASS STEWARDESS