Too close to the bone?

My wife was screaming at me. "Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered.

As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

So I turned around and replied, "So now you want me to stay?"

Some really funny ones!

This real good sort looked at my beer belly and sarcastically said, "Is that VB or Hahn?"

I said, " There's a fcukin tap underneath, taste it".

***

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling their tits, "Really" she said. "Go on then...try"

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience. "Come on, what day was I born"?

I said, "fcukin yesterday".

***

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few kilos, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look alright."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there."

***

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat bird dancing on a table. I said to her, "Nice legs".

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so?"

I said, "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now".

***

"Jesus loves you." A nice gesture in church. A horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

***

Got caught having a piss in the local swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me that loud I nearly fell in.

Sorry but for the next 2 days I won’t be able to send or respond to emails.

A friend is painting the ceilings in my house.

I was asked to stabilise the ladder and give technical advice.

Also, do you think five coats is enough?

This is so practical

When you change your wife, you can still keep the same photo on your desk.

Bowling

Want to knock his teeth out? A bowling alley in Clearwater , Florida , Bowl-O-Bama, is doing record business despite a bad economy.

The alley also reported a record number of 300 games.

Since opening in November 2010, 963 patrons have bowled a perfect game, including strikes in the warm-up frames.

This alley also has the highest bowling league average in the country, with a 237. And that's the senior league.

Homesick

I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car in Sydney that read 'I miss Alice Springs'.

So I broke the windows, took the wireless and left half a dozen empty VB tinnies on the front seat with a note that read, 'I hope this helps'.

Barack Obama and David Cameron are shown a time machine which can see 100 years into the future.

They both decide to test it by asking a question each.

Barack goes first. What will the USA be like in 100 years time?

The machine whirs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout, he reads it out "The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries.

David thinks it's not bad this time machine, I'll have a bit of that so he asks: What will Great Britain be like in 100 years time?

The machine whirs and beeps and goes into action and he gets a printout. But he just stares at it. Come on David says Barack what does it say?

David replies, Buggered if I know! It's all in Arabic!

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