Another Bunnings joke

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Guinness?"

The shop assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something, If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"

The shop assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Guinness, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Bunnings'."

This explains a lot!

Splinters in Her Crotch!

A woman who was a tree hugger purchased a piece of timberland near Collie, Western Australia .

There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land, so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist and how she came to get all the splinters.

The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded,"What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a "recreational area" so close to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but due to Bob Brown and his political Green Party policies they turned me down!!"

The Great Australian Drover

Drover: "Give me three packets of condoms, please."

Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"

Drover: "Nah.... She ain't that ugly."

Miscellany

Wife by text, to husband at work "Windows at home frozen - what should I do?" Husband - "Spray some de-icer or pour warm water on them" Wife a few minutes later - "Done that - now computer won't work at all"!
* REPLACEMENT WINDOWS-“Last year, I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind. Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He complained that the work had been completed a year ago. and I still hadn't paid for them. Hellloooo,............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year... ….that these windows would pay for themselves in a year. Helllooooo? It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him.There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.”
An 80-year-old Scotsman went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor was amazed at what good shape the old fellow was in and asked: 'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'

'I am Scottish and I am a golfer,' said the old fellow: 'and that is why I am in such good shape. I am up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a wee glass of whisky, and that's it.'

'Well,' said the doctor, 'I am sure that helps, but there has to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?

'Who said my Dad died?'

The doctor was amazed. 'You mean you are 80 years old and your Dad is still alive? How old is he?'

He is 100 years old,' said the old Scottish golfer. 'In fact he golfed wi' me this mornin', and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had anither wee dram and that is why he is still alive. He is a Scot and he is a golfer, too.'

'Well,' the doctor said, 'that is great, but I am sure there is more to it than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my Grandad is dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asked, 'You mean you are 80 years old and your grandfather is still living! Incredible, how old is he?'

'He is 118 years old,' said the old Scottish golfer.

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point: 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'

'No. Grandad couldnae go this mornin' because he is getting married today'

At this point the doctor was close to losing it. 'Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old bloke want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?'


A Irishman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little maths test.

“Here is your first question,” the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" The Irishman says? "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Have you ain't got no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says the Irishman.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree... "Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred.!!!!

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog come along and poop by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"

Is that Irishman now head of Qantas?


AND THE LAST WORDS

I just read an article about a lady who makes ice cubes from left over wine.

I am so confused!

What the hell is left over wine?

This is what a Dicktater looks like

Which one is going to bring him back to life faster?