A duck walks into a pub

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says "Hang on! You're a duck".
"I see your eyes are working" replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working too" says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that" says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road" explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer".
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous!" says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call".
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says "Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money".
"I'm always looking for the next job" says the duck. "Where is it?"
"At the circus" says the barman.
"The circus?" repeats the duck.
"That's right" replies the barman.
"The circus?" the duck asks again. "With the big tent?"
"Yeah" the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course" the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement and says "What the F**** would they want with a plasterer ?"

What's in the box?

A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up four cans and took them to the check out counter.


The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."


The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food. Again the cashier said "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof t! hat you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog."


So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was able to buy the dog food.


The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."


The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out. She said to the little old lady, "That smells like shit."

The little old lady said, "It is. I want to buy three rolls of toilet paper."


Don't mess with old people.!

The Haircut

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.

Then an MP came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The MP was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

BOTH POLITICIANS AND NAPPIES NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!

For all you retirees out there

Yesterday I was at my local Woolies store buying a large bag of “Top Dog” dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Top Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Top Dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Woolies.

Better watch what you ask retired people.

They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.

Calories burned during sex

REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent.................................12 Calories
Without her consent...........................2,187 Calories

OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands.................................. 8 Calories
With one hand....................................12 Calories
With your teeth.................................485 Calories

PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection..................................6 Calories
Without an erection...........................3,315 Calories

POSITIONS:
Missionary...................................12 Calories
69 lying down...............................78 Calories
69 standing up..............................812 Calories
Wheelbarrow................................216 Calories
Doggy Style..................................326 Calories
Italian Chandelier..........................2,912 Calories

ORGASMS:
Real........................................112 Calories
Fake..........................................1,315 Calories

POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging.............................18 Calories
Getting up immediately.........................36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately...816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are :
18-29 years......................................36 Calories
30-39 years......................................80 Calories
40-49 years.....................................124 Calories
50-59 years...................................1,972 Calories
60-69 years...................................7,916 Calories *****
70 and over........................Results are still pending

DRESSING AFTERWARDS
Calmly..........................................32 Calories
In a hurry.......................................98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door..........5,218 Calories
With her husband knocking at the door......8,775 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door..........13,521 Calories

Results may vary.

On a philosophical note:

Life is like a dick - simple, straight, relaxed and hanging free . . .

. . It's women who make it hard !! -

Thai Ladyboy

Just got back from a holiday in Thailand, and came that close to shaggin' a ladyboy.

Looked like a woman, spoke like a woman, walked like a woman and kissed like a woman.

It was only when she was driving me back to her place and reversed parked into a narrow parking space with no problem, I thought ......... Just a minute ………

The Pastor's Ass

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.

The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey.

The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN..

The Bishop fainted.

He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS NOW WILD AND FREE.


The Bishop was buried the next day.

Why sharks circle

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."

And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."

And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first?

Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"

Little Johnny

Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven, Sir.



Teacher: No, listen carefully.

If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven



Teacher: Let me put it to you differently.

If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Six.



Teacher: Good boy, now you got it! So now if I gave you 2 cats, and another

2 cats and another 2,

how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven!!!





A very angry Teacher: Where the in hell do you get seven from?!?!?

Very angry Johnny: Because I've already got a f-----' cat at home!!!

A good IRISH joke doesn't have to wait till St. Patricks Day. This is one of them.

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white, patriarchal society. 'In fact,' he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.'

After the curator left, an Irishman, approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?' asked the couple.

'Because I'm the guy who painted it,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no black men depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.