Why European Newspapers Are More Fun To Read





The Post Turtle

While sewing a cut on the hand of a seventy-five year-old Aussie farmer, whose hand had been caught in the gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old farmer. Eventually the topic got around to Kevin Rudd and his role as our Prime Minister.

“Well, you know, in my opinion Rudd is a Post Turtle,” said the old man. Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a Post Turtle was.

The old Farmer said, “When you are driving along a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that’s a Post Turtle.”

The farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor’s face, so he continued to explain:


“You know he didn’t get up there by himself, he certainly doesn’t belong up there, he doesn’t know what to do while he’s up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb idiot put him up there to begin with.”

It pays to know German

An Amish Farmer walking through his field notices a man drinking from his pond with his hand.


The Amish Farmer shouts: "Trinken Sie nicht das Wasser, die Kuhe und die Schweine haben hinein geschissen!"

Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows and the pigs have shit in it!"

The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand your gibberish. Speak English, Infidel!"

The Amish Farmer shouts back in English: "Use two hands, you'll get more!"

Clever responses

SMART ASS ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during an airline flight.

'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.

'What are my choices?' John asked.

'Yes or no,' she replied.



SMART ASS ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'


SMART ASS ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'


SMART ASS ANSWER #3

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding
rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.

The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.


SMART ASS ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead.

Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.. Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'

The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'


SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2009 !!

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death
in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering...

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student , shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'






A BONUS EXTRA

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

The Funeral is next week.

The Farm Hand

A successful farmer died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a farm hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk..

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about farming.

For weeks, the two of them worked from dawn to dusk and the farm was doing very well, actually it was making more money now then before her husband died. Then one day, the farmer's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the farm looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels instead of sitting around every Saturday night.' The hired hand readily agreed and went into town the following Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around five-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the farmer's widow laying on a large sheep skin by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her and still laying there she rolled onto her back,

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off" , she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light as she rolled over onto her stomach.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.





She rolled back onto her back looking at him with direct eye to eye contact,




"Now remove my 'G' String"




Then she looked at him and said........................,
















"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

Paddy's Pride.

Paddy moves to Canada and attends his first baseball game. The first batter approaches the batters' box, takes a few swings and then hits a double. Everyone is on their feet screaming "Run!!!" The next batter hits a single. Paddy listens as the crowd again cheers "RUN!! RUN!!".



Paddy is enjoying the game and begins screaming with the fans. The fifth batter comes up and four balls go by. The Umpire calls: "Walk." The batter starts his slow trot to first base. Paddy stands up and screams, "Run ye lazy bastard run!"



The people around him begin laughing. Embarrassed, Paddy sits back down.



A friendly fan notes Paddy's embarrassment, leans over and explains, "He can't run -- he has four balls."



Paddy stands up and screams: "Walk with pride,

LIFE IN AN AUSSIE MENTAL HOSPITAL

A nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he's driving a truck, with his hands at 10 to 2.

The nurse asks him, 'Kenny! What are you doing?'

Kenny replies, 'Can't talk right now I'm driving to Melbourne !' The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Kenny's room just as he stops driving his imaginary truck and she asks, 'Well Kenny, how was your trip?'

Kenny says, 'I'm exhausted, I just got into Melbourne and I need some rest.

That's great,' replied the nurse, 'I'm glad you had a safe trip.'

The nurse leaves Kenny's room, and then goes across the hall into another patients' room and finds Davo sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously.

Shocked, she shouts, 'Davo what are you doing!?' To which Davo replies,

'Shhh, I'm shagging Kenny's wife while he's in Melbourne '.

Cannibal Story

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...

Tourist: $5.00
Broiled Missionary: $7.00
Fried Explorer: $9.00
Freshly Baked Politicians: Labor, Liberals, Democrats or Greens: $150.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a huge price difference for the Politicians?'

The cook replied, 'Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of shit, it takes the whole morning.'