Shopping

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Cahill,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1.) June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2.) July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3.) July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4.) July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5.) August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6.) August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7.) August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children hoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8.) August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9.) September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10.) September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11.) October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12.) October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13.) October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14.) October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15.) October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

Paddy died ...

His will provided £40,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Colleen turned to her oldest and dearest friend, "Ah well, to be sure Paddy would be pleased," she said.

"To be sure you're right," replied Mary, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.

"So go on, how much did this really cost?'"

"All of it," said Colleen. "Forty thousand."

"Aw No!" Mary exclaimed. "I mean, it was very grand, but £40,000?!!!"

Colleen answered, "The funeral was £6,500. I donated £500 to church. The whiskey, wine and snacks were another £500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone."

Mary computed quickly. "For the love of God Colleen, £32,500 for a Memorial Stone? How big is it?"

See below



My dogs ...


This morning I went to sign my dogs up for welfare. At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare". So I explained to her that my dogs are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and have no frigging clue who their daddies are. They expect me to feed them, provide them with housing and medical care, and feel guilty because they are dogs.

So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify. My dogs get their first checks Friday.

Doggone, this is a great country!

Senior Attire







Australia Post

Australia Post has created a stamp with a picture of Prime Minister Kevin Rudd.

The stamp is not sticking to envelopes. This enrages the Prime Minister , who demands a full investigation.

After a month of testing and spending of $4.1 million, a special commission presents the following findings:


1. The stamp is in perfect order.

2. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.

3. People are spitting on the wrong side of the stamp.

The Cuckoo Clock

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys". I told my wife that I would be home by midnight…promise! Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 2:30 am, drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door,the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, I realized she’d probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick witty solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict. The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her twelve o’clock. She didn’t seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one! She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh f*ck", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted.

Curtis and Leroy

Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Daily Newspaper in Geelong , Victoria . and bought a mule for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.

The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night"

Curtis & Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."

The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"

Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"

Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"

A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the local grocery store and asked.

"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"

They said, "We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."

Leroy said, "Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."

The farmer said, "My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"

Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."

Curtis and Leroy now work for the Rudd government.

They're financial advisers to Wayne Swan.

First Time Sex

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet and have a dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic but he has never had sex before so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.

He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.

The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!'

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down.

10 minutes pass and still no movement from the boy.


Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'

The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

The Wailing Wall


Israel - Jerusalem : wailing wall

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.


So she went to check it out. She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

“Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?”

“Morris Fishbien,” he replied.

“Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying?”

“For about 60 years.”

“60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?”

“I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man.”

“How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?”

“Like I'm talking to a fucking brick wall!"

A poster for the parents

Welfare Office

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his cheque.

He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2008 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive. A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage, will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well . You started it."