HOW SMART IS YOUR RIGHT FOOT?
You have to try this please, it takes 2 seconds. I could not believe this! It is from an orthopaedic surgeon............ This will confuse your mind and you will keep trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but, you can't. It is pre-programmed in your brain!
1. While sitting at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.
2. Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction.
I told you so! And there's nothing you can do about it! You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if you've not already done so.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts ??"
About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe, do any of you think you have seen a ghost ??"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to or touched a ghost ?"
About 3 students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further....Have any of you ever made love to a ghost ?"
Way in the back, Abdul raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, in all the years I've been giving this lecture, no-one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The big student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So Abdul, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost !!"
Abdul replied, "Ah sorry. From way back there, I thought you said 'Goats' !!"
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
P: Dead bugs on windshield..
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Auto pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent...
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear..
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield..
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
P: Aircraft handles funny.
(I love this one!):
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes... He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000...
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with £96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief Stoker who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my penis to my testicles.'
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measure was taken by a Medical Officer.
The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to drop 'em,' which he did.
The Medical Officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's penis and began to work back. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'
The Old Chief calmly replied, ' The Falkland Islands'.
Now here is a challenge!
For all of you who keep thinking you are computer experts...
So you think you're so smart.
Let's see how computer literate you are . .
WHAT WOULD CAUSE THIS TO HAPPEN:
SEE THE ANSWER BELOW!
Customer Service: What is wrong with it?
Caller: The Mouse is jammed.
Customer Service: The Mouse? Printers don't have a mouse, you idiot!
Caller: Mmmmm??.. Oh really?... I will send a picture.
A Chinese man decides to move to Australia after fifty years of living in Shanghai.
He buys a small piece of land near Mt Isa.
A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region. He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about ten hens.
Not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese customs', he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.
The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another 'Chinese custom', he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.
A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the driveway, pause, and then put his head next to the bull's bum.
The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says, 'Jeez mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's bum, it could just about shit on you.'
The Chinese man is very taken back and says, 'Sorry sir, you no understand. These no Chinese customs I doing, these Australian customs.'
'What do you mean mate', says the Aussie, 'Those aren't Australian customs.'
'Yes, they are', replied the Chinese man, 'man at travel agent say to become true Australian, I must learn chase chicks, drink piss, and listen to bull-shit.'
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'
The frightened passenger apologised to the driver and said he didn't realise a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab................... I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Easyjet," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Easyjet?" exclaimed the hairdresser.. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Easyjet's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a £5 million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologised and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say?"
He said: "Who the f**k did your hair?"