Bagpiper at a funeral

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the back-country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was no where in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before, just for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "Sweet Mother of Jesus, I never seen nothin' like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

First day back at school

Doing a rollcall on the first day back at school at Bankstown Primary, the teacher began calling out the names of the pupils:

"Mustafa El Ekh Zeri?"
"Here."

"Achmed El Kabul?"
"Here."

"Fatima Al Chadoury? "
" Here."

"Abdul Alu Ohlmi?"
" Here."

Mohammed Ibn Achrha?"
" Here."

"Mi Cha El Mey Er"

Silence in the classroom.

"Mi Cha El Mey Er"

Continued silence as everyone looked around the room. She repeated, "Is there any child here called Mi Cha El Mey Er?”

A boy arose and said, "Sorry teacher. I think that’s me. My name is Michael Meyer."

Financial planning

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

Lucky bastard

A VERY ugly man walks into the bar with a big grin on his face, and orders a Draft beer.

'What are you so happy about?', asks the Bartender.

'Well, I'll tell you,' replies the ugly man, 'As you know, I live by the railroad tracks.Well, on my way home from the bar last night, I noticed a young woman tied To the tracks, just like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place."

'No shit', replied the bartender in astonishment!

"Anyway", the ugly man continued, "To make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything! Me on top, Sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!'

'Fantastic, you lucky bastard!', exclaimed the Bartender. 'Was she pretty?'

'Dunno...Never found the head!'

Senior Moments

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% .

The elderly gentleman went back to the doctor a month later, and the doctor said 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'



Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really? Like a newborn baby?!

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'


An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought for a moment and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'


Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged... However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital .

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'


A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure..'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs..

She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'


A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'


Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'


A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art... It's perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbour . 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty...'


Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'


One more?


A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

"There is no way the wool you are pulling over our eyes!"

"Always we are finding ... there is no way the wool you are pulling over our eyes."

Beware what you say at McDonalds!

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.
She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am

'About 32,' is the reply.'

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50..'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30..'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are...'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her..

She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.

He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.

He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't' she says.

'I was standing behind you at McDonalds.'

Last night ...

... as I was sitting in the living room with a few friends, I said to them,

'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

They got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.

They’re such assholes ...

Would you like the bed next to mine???

Last month whilst I was visiting a local lunatic assylum, I asked the director what criteria were used to institutionalise inmates.

He replied that they filled a bath-tub with water and gave the potential person a teaspoon, a cup and a bucket and then told him or her to empty the bath-tub.

"Oh, I get it," I said smuggly, "if they don't choose the bucket, being the biggest and therefore the quickest way to empty the bath-tub, they get institutionalised, right?"

"Wrong," he replied, "a sane person would simply pull the plug. Would you like a bed near the window?"




Did you get the right andwer or would you like the bed next to mine?????

Do you remember?

DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE A KID AND YOUR PARENTS LINED YOU UP AGAINST
A DOOR FRAME TO MARK HOW TALL YOU WERE AND DATED THE MARK?

WELL, THIS CARTOON BRINGS A WHOLE NEW PERSPECTIVE TO THAT EXERCISE!


Sheep

A New Zealand farmer walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,
"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch,
you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."