Spilled beer

A guy sat down at the bar and ordered a beer.

The bartender filled his mug and slid it down the bar.

While sliding down the bar, the mug hit a blond woman's boobs and splashed all over them...

The bartender went over, retrieved the mug and licked the beer off her boobs.

Each time the guy called for another beer this happened.

After his third beer, the guy decided to help the bartender out.

The next time the bartender hit her boobs, the man jumped up and started to lick them...

She decked him!

He was laying on the floor moaning, 'Jeez lady.. Why'd you let the bartender lick your boobs, but not me?'

'Duh,' said the blond, 'He has a licker license!'

The Irish Millionaire

Mick, from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won £500,000.

'You've done very well so far,' said, Chris Tarrant , the show's presenter, 'but for a million pounds you've only got one life-line left - phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question...... will you go for it?'

'Sure,'said Mick,'I'll have a go!'

Which of the following birds does not build its own nest? a) Sparrow, b) Thrush, c) Magpie, d)Cuckoo?'

'I haven't got a clue,' said Mick,'so I'll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin .'

Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

'Fookin hell, Mick!' cried Paddy. 'Dat's simple......it's a cuckoo.'

'Are you sure?'

'I'm fookin sure.'

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris , 'I'll go wit Cuckoo as me answer.'

'Is that your final answer?' asked Chris

'Dat it is, Sir.'

There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, 'Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!'

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink...'Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?'

'Because he lives in a Fookin clock!'

I don't care anymore!

As we age, we tend to end up seeing more of the medical establishment.

For example, my doctor referred me to a female urologist.

I saw her yesterday and she is gorgeous.

She's beautiful and unbelievably sexy.

She told me that I have to stop masturbating.

When I asked her why, she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you"

Crocodile

A blonde was on vacation and driving through Darwin,

She desperately wanted to take home a pair of genuine crocodile shoes but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the 'no haggle on prices' attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own crocodile, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!"

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, 'Little lady, just go and give it a try'!

The blonde headed out toward the river, determined to catch a crocodile!

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the bank where he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he spots a huge 3-metre croc swimming rapidly toward her.

With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy banks of the river. Lying nearby were seven more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggled and flipped the croc onto its back.

Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out...

'SH!T, SH!T, SH!T. THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO'

Mrs Brown

 

Visit www.mrsbrownsboys.com

Just another joke

While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it.'

The man looks a little perplexed and says, 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.'

The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate it.'

The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not,! I want a second opinion.'

The doctor replies, 'Well, go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only choice.'

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, 'Ah, Yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.'

The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate it,!'

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. 'Stupid American docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money dat way. No need to amputate.!'

Oh, Thank God,!' the man replies.

'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'Wait two weeks.. Fawl off by self !'

The End of Civilisation

Chamomile Tea

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes homedrunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I gargled with chamomile tea. I gargled and gargled, and nothing happened!"

Doctor: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps?"

The Romantic Scotsman

"A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.

Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

Minutes passed and the girl spoke again.

"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.

Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg."

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee.

Then he blushed. The the two turned once again to gaze out over the lock before the girl spoke again.

"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man glanced down with a furled brow.

"Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."

"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad, nodding.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"

Job Application

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes - caffeine."

"Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says "I was in Iraq for two years"

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10:00 A.M. every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P..M., why don't you want me to here until 10:00 A.M.?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

The Golfer

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.
Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
''Arrgh! What happened?'' the Leprechaun asked.

''I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball'', the golfer says.
''Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?''

''Thank God, you're all right!'' the golfer answers in relief. ''I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.''
And the golfer walks off.


''What a nice guy,'' the Leprechaun says to himself.
I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
''Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,'' the little guy says. ''I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?''

''My game is fantastic!'' the golfer answers. ''I'm an internationally famous golfer now.'' He adds, ''By the way, it's good to see you're all right.''
''Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?''

''Why, it's just wonderful!'' the golfer states. ''When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!''
''I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?''

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, ''It's OK.''
''C'mon, c'mon now,'' urged the Leprechaun, ''I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?''

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, ''Once, sometimes twice a week.''
''What??'' responds the Leprechaun in shock. ''That's all? Only once or twice a week?''

''Well,'' says the golfer, ''I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.''

The dastardly cricketer

A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk sargeant said "Can I help you?"

"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".

"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.

"In the park just down the road" she replied.

"Can you describe what happened?"

"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me".

"Could you give me a description of him?"

"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".

"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.

"Yes", said the lady, "He was an English Cricketer".

"That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?"

"No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".

Proof that the world is nuts

In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.


(Like THAT makes sense.)


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.


(Do they look different reversed?)


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.


(A brick?)


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.


(Much worse than 'going blind!')


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time


Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.


(Let's just think for a minute; is there


any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.



No Golf Clubs . . . I hear a 3 iron works well.




The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.


(Ah! Justice!)


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England - but only in tropical fish stores.


(But of course!)


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.


(Makes one shudder at the thought.)


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~


In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.


(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'


(Is this a great country or what?


Well,.... not as great as Guam !)


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.


(Who volunteers for these tests?)


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.


(From drinking little bottles of ???)


(Did our government pay for this research??)


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


Butterflies taste with their feet..


(Ah, geez.)


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.


(I know some people like that.)


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


Starfish don't have brains.


(I know some people like that, too.)


*~*~ *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


And, the best for last?


Turtles can breathe through their butts.


(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)







Thank you all for reading this. If you need to reach me in the future, I will be in Guam !!!!!!