“Well, you know, in my opinion Rudd is a Post Turtle,” said the old man. Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a Post Turtle was.
The old Farmer said, “When you are driving along a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that’s a Post Turtle.”
The farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor’s face, so he continued to explain:
“You know he didn’t get up there by himself, he certainly doesn’t belong up there, he doesn’t know what to do while he’s up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb idiot put him up there to begin with.”
The Amish Farmer shouts: "Trinken Sie nicht das Wasser, die Kuhe und die Schweine haben hinein geschissen!"
Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows and the pigs have shit in it!"
The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand your gibberish. Speak English, Infidel!"
The Amish Farmer shouts back in English: "Use two hands, you'll get more!"
It was mealtime during an airline flight.
'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.
SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'
SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'
SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding
rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead.
Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.. Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'
SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2009 !!
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death
in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering...
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student , shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
A BONUS EXTRA
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
The Funeral is next week.
Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk..
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about farming.
For weeks, the two of them worked from dawn to dusk and the farm was doing very well, actually it was making more money now then before her husband died. Then one day, the farmer's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the farm looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels instead of sitting around every Saturday night.' The hired hand readily agreed and went into town the following Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around five-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the farmer's widow laying on a large sheep skin by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her and still laying there she rolled onto her back,
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off" , she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light as she rolled over onto her stomach.
"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
She rolled back onto her back looking at him with direct eye to eye contact,
"Now remove my 'G' String"
Then she looked at him and said........................,
"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
Paddy is enjoying the game and begins screaming with the fans. The fifth batter comes up and four balls go by. The Umpire calls: "Walk." The batter starts his slow trot to first base. Paddy stands up and screams, "Run ye lazy bastard run!"
The people around him begin laughing. Embarrassed, Paddy sits back down.
A friendly fan notes Paddy's embarrassment, leans over and explains, "He can't run -- he has four balls."
Paddy stands up and screams: "Walk with pride,
The nurse asks him, 'Kenny! What are you doing?'
Kenny replies, 'Can't talk right now I'm driving to Melbourne !' The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Kenny's room just as he stops driving his imaginary truck and she asks, 'Well Kenny, how was your trip?'
Kenny says, 'I'm exhausted, I just got into Melbourne and I need some rest.
That's great,' replied the nurse, 'I'm glad you had a safe trip.'
The nurse leaves Kenny's room, and then goes across the hall into another patients' room and finds Davo sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously.
Shocked, she shouts, 'Davo what are you doing!?' To which Davo replies,
'Shhh, I'm shagging Kenny's wife while he's in Melbourne '.
Broiled Missionary: $7.00
Fried Explorer: $9.00
Freshly Baked Politicians: Labor, Liberals, Democrats or Greens: $150.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a huge price difference for the Politicians?'
The cook replied, 'Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of shit, it takes the whole morning.'
The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'
God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.
God replied: 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
A professor at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.
Realising this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'
She replied, 'Probably playing golf with his mates.'
It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.........
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:
Dear Mrs. Cahill,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1.) June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2.) July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3.) July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4.) July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5.) August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6.) August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7.) August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children hoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8.) August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9.) September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10.) September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11.) October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
12.) October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13.) October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14.) October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least:
15.) October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Colleen turned to her oldest and dearest friend, "Ah well, to be sure Paddy would be pleased," she said.
"To be sure you're right," replied Mary, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.
"So go on, how much did this really cost?'"
"All of it," said Colleen. "Forty thousand."
"Aw No!" Mary exclaimed. "I mean, it was very grand, but £40,000?!!!"
Colleen answered, "The funeral was £6,500. I donated £500 to church. The whiskey, wine and snacks were another £500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone."
Mary computed quickly. "For the love of God Colleen, £32,500 for a Memorial Stone? How big is it?"
This morning I went to sign my dogs up for welfare. At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare". So I explained to her that my dogs are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and have no frigging clue who their daddies are. They expect me to feed them, provide them with housing and medical care, and feel guilty because they are dogs.
So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify. My dogs get their first checks Friday.
Doggone, this is a great country!
Australia Post has created a stamp with a picture of Prime Minister Kevin Rudd.
The stamp is not sticking to envelopes. This enrages the Prime Minister , who demands a full investigation.
After a month of testing and spending of $4.1 million, a special commission presents the following findings:
1. The stamp is in perfect order.
2. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.
3. People are spitting on the wrong side of the stamp.
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys". I told my wife that I would be home by midnight…promise! Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 2:30 am, drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door,the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, I realized she’d probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick witty solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict. The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her twelve o’clock. She didn’t seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one! She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh f*ck", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted.
Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Daily Newspaper in Geelong , Victoria . and bought a mule for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night"
Curtis & Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."
The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"
Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"
Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the local grocery store and asked.
"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"
They said, "We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."
Leroy said, "Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."
The farmer said, "My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"
Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."
Curtis and Leroy now work for the Rudd government.
They're financial advisers to Wayne Swan.
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet and have a dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic but he has never had sex before so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.
He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!'
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down.
10 minutes pass and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'
The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'
Israel - Jerusalem : wailing wall
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
“Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?”
“Morris Fishbien,” he replied.
“Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying?”
“For about 60 years.”
“60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?”
“I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man.”
“How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?”
“Like I'm talking to a fucking brick wall!"
He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2008 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive. A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage, will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well . You started it."
HOW SMART IS YOUR RIGHT FOOT?
You have to try this please, it takes 2 seconds. I could not believe this! It is from an orthopaedic surgeon............ This will confuse your mind and you will keep trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but, you can't. It is pre-programmed in your brain!
1. While sitting at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.
2. Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction.
I told you so! And there's nothing you can do about it! You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if you've not already done so.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts ??"
About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe, do any of you think you have seen a ghost ??"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to or touched a ghost ?"
About 3 students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further....Have any of you ever made love to a ghost ?"
Way in the back, Abdul raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, in all the years I've been giving this lecture, no-one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The big student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So Abdul, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost !!"
Abdul replied, "Ah sorry. From way back there, I thought you said 'Goats' !!"
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
P: Dead bugs on windshield..
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Auto pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent...
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear..
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield..
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
P: Aircraft handles funny.
(I love this one!):
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes... He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000...
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with £96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief Stoker who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my penis to my testicles.'
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measure was taken by a Medical Officer.
The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to drop 'em,' which he did.
The Medical Officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's penis and began to work back. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'
The Old Chief calmly replied, ' The Falkland Islands'.
Now here is a challenge!
For all of you who keep thinking you are computer experts...
So you think you're so smart.
Let's see how computer literate you are . .
WHAT WOULD CAUSE THIS TO HAPPEN:
SEE THE ANSWER BELOW!
Customer Service: What is wrong with it?
Caller: The Mouse is jammed.
Customer Service: The Mouse? Printers don't have a mouse, you idiot!
Caller: Mmmmm??.. Oh really?... I will send a picture.
A Chinese man decides to move to Australia after fifty years of living in Shanghai.
He buys a small piece of land near Mt Isa.
A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region. He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about ten hens.
Not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese customs', he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.
The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another 'Chinese custom', he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.
A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the driveway, pause, and then put his head next to the bull's bum.
The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says, 'Jeez mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's bum, it could just about shit on you.'
The Chinese man is very taken back and says, 'Sorry sir, you no understand. These no Chinese customs I doing, these Australian customs.'
'What do you mean mate', says the Aussie, 'Those aren't Australian customs.'
'Yes, they are', replied the Chinese man, 'man at travel agent say to become true Australian, I must learn chase chicks, drink piss, and listen to bull-shit.'
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'
The frightened passenger apologised to the driver and said he didn't realise a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab................... I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Easyjet," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Easyjet?" exclaimed the hairdresser.. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Easyjet's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a £5 million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologised and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say?"
He said: "Who the f**k did your hair?"
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the back-country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was no where in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before, just for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "Sweet Mother of Jesus, I never seen nothin' like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Doing a rollcall on the first day back at school at Bankstown Primary, the teacher began calling out the names of the pupils:
"Mustafa El Ekh Zeri?"
"Achmed El Kabul?"
"Fatima Al Chadoury? "
"Abdul Alu Ohlmi?"
Mohammed Ibn Achrha?"
"Mi Cha El Mey Er"
Silence in the classroom.
"Mi Cha El Mey Er"
Continued silence as everyone looked around the room. She repeated, "Is there any child here called Mi Cha El Mey Er?”
A boy arose and said, "Sorry teacher. I think that’s me. My name is Michael Meyer."
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."
Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
A VERY ugly man walks into the bar with a big grin on his face, and orders a Draft beer.
'What are you so happy about?', asks the Bartender.
'Well, I'll tell you,' replies the ugly man, 'As you know, I live by the railroad tracks.Well, on my way home from the bar last night, I noticed a young woman tied To the tracks, just like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place."
'No shit', replied the bartender in astonishment!
"Anyway", the ugly man continued, "To make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything! Me on top, Sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!'
'Fantastic, you lucky bastard!', exclaimed the Bartender. 'Was she pretty?'
'Dunno...Never found the head!'
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% .
The elderly gentleman went back to the doctor a month later, and the doctor said 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really? Like a newborn baby?!
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought for a moment and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged... However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital .
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs..
She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Do I know her?'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'
A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art... It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbour . 'What kind is it?'
Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
"Always we are finding ... there is no way the wool you are pulling over our eyes."
She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am
'About 32,' is the reply.'
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'
The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50..'
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30..'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are...'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her..
She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.
He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.
He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'
'I promise I won't' she says.
'I was standing behind you at McDonalds.'
'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'
They got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.
They’re such assholes ...
He replied that they filled a bath-tub with water and gave the potential person a teaspoon, a cup and a bucket and then told him or her to empty the bath-tub.
"Oh, I get it," I said smuggly, "if they don't choose the bucket, being the biggest and therefore the quickest way to empty the bath-tub, they get institutionalised, right?"
"Wrong," he replied, "a sane person would simply pull the plug. Would you like a bed near the window?"
Did you get the right andwer or would you like the bed next to mine?????
A DOOR FRAME TO MARK HOW TALL YOU WERE AND DATED THE MARK?
WELL, THIS CARTOON BRINGS A WHOLE NEW PERSPECTIVE TO THAT EXERCISE!
The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,
"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."
The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch,
you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."
A guy sat down at the bar and ordered a beer.
The bartender filled his mug and slid it down the bar.
While sliding down the bar, the mug hit a blond woman's boobs and splashed all over them...
The bartender went over, retrieved the mug and licked the beer off her boobs.
Each time the guy called for another beer this happened.
After his third beer, the guy decided to help the bartender out.
The next time the bartender hit her boobs, the man jumped up and started to lick them...
She decked him!
He was laying on the floor moaning, 'Jeez lady.. Why'd you let the bartender lick your boobs, but not me?'
'Duh,' said the blond, 'He has a licker license!'
Mick, from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won £500,000.
'You've done very well so far,' said, Chris Tarrant , the show's presenter, 'but for a million pounds you've only got one life-line left - phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question...... will you go for it?'
'Sure,'said Mick,'I'll have a go!'
Which of the following birds does not build its own nest? a) Sparrow, b) Thrush, c) Magpie, d)Cuckoo?'
'I haven't got a clue,' said Mick,'so I'll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin .'
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
'Fookin hell, Mick!' cried Paddy. 'Dat's simple......it's a cuckoo.'
'Are you sure?'
'I'm fookin sure.'
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris , 'I'll go wit Cuckoo as me answer.'
'Is that your final answer?' asked Chris
'Dat it is, Sir.'
There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, 'Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!'
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink...'Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?'
'Because he lives in a Fookin clock!'
As we age, we tend to end up seeing more of the medical establishment.
For example, my doctor referred me to a female urologist.
I saw her yesterday and she is gorgeous.
She's beautiful and unbelievably sexy.
She told me that I have to stop masturbating.
When I asked her why, she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you"
She desperately wanted to take home a pair of genuine crocodile shoes but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the 'no haggle on prices' attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own crocodile, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!"
The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, 'Little lady, just go and give it a try'!
The blonde headed out toward the river, determined to catch a crocodile!
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the bank where he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
Just then, he spots a huge 3-metre croc swimming rapidly toward her.
With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy banks of the river. Lying nearby were seven more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggled and flipped the croc onto its back.
Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out...
'SH!T, SH!T, SH!T. THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO'
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it.'
The man looks a little perplexed and says, 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.'
The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate it.'
The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not,! I want a second opinion.'
The doctor replies, 'Well, go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only choice.'
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, 'Ah, Yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.'
The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate it,!'
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. 'Stupid American docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money dat way. No need to amputate.!'
Oh, Thank God,!' the man replies.
'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'Wait two weeks.. Fawl off by self !'
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes homedrunk he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I gargled with chamomile tea. I gargled and gargled, and nothing happened!"
Doctor: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps?"
"A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
Minutes passed and the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee.
Then he blushed. The the two turned once again to gaze out over the lock before the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man glanced down with a furled brow.
"Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes - caffeine."
"Have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says "I was in Iraq for two years"
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10:00 A.M. every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P..M., why don't you want me to here until 10:00 A.M.?"
"This is a government job," the interviewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.
Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.
Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
''Arrgh! What happened?'' the Leprechaun asked.
''I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball'', the golfer says.
''Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?''
''Thank God, you're all right!'' the golfer answers in relief. ''I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.''
And the golfer walks off.
''What a nice guy,'' the Leprechaun says to himself.
I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'
A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
''Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,'' the little guy says. ''I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?''
''My game is fantastic!'' the golfer answers. ''I'm an internationally famous golfer now.'' He adds, ''By the way, it's good to see you're all right.''
''Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?''
''Why, it's just wonderful!'' the golfer states. ''When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!''
''I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?''
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, ''It's OK.''
''C'mon, c'mon now,'' urged the Leprechaun, ''I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?''
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, ''Once, sometimes twice a week.''
''What??'' responds the Leprechaun in shock. ''That's all? Only once or twice a week?''
''Well,'' says the golfer, ''I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.''
A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk sargeant said "Can I help you?"
"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".
"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.
"In the park just down the road" she replied.
"Can you describe what happened?"
"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me".
"Could you give me a description of him?"
"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".
"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.
"Yes", said the lady, "He was an English Cricketer".
"That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?"
"No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".
In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than 'going blind!')
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there
any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
No Golf Clubs . . . I hear a 3 iron works well.
The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'
(Is this a great country or what?
Well,.... not as great as Guam !)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for these tests?)
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of ???)
(Did our government pay for this research??)
Butterflies taste with their feet..
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
And, the best for last?
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)
Thank you all for reading this. If you need to reach me in the future, I will be in Guam !!!!!!