Breakfast in bed

The positive approach

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Mexican maid

Our Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
My wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about
the raise.
She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'
Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an
increase.' The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..'
Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Señora...the gardener did.'
Wife: 'So how much do you want?

Jackeroo and Yuppie

A Queensland jackeroo is overseeing his herd in remote territory when suddenly a brand-new BMW advances out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a designer suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?'

The jackaroo looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel Spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says the Cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'

'You work for the Australian Government, Kevin's Office', says the Jackaroo.

'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that I am from the Rudd Government?'

'No guessing required.' answered the jackaroo. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used all kinds of expensive equipment that clearly somebody else paid for, you tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows; this is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.'

Four worms and a lesson to be learned

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars..

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead

The Third worm in chocolate syrup -Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil -Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation What did you learn from this demonstration?

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'

That pretty much ended the service

WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'

The priest replies, 'My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow manm sleeping around with Prostitutes and lack of a bath.'

The drunk muttered in response, 'well, I'll be damned' and returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. In the paper here it says that the Pope's got it.'

Irish flat TV screen


I've just come back from the doctor ...

Global warming

The bridge

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head... In a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time.... Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

More Blonde Jokes To Make You Groan

Let these blondes make you groan; well, their awful jokes will.

Did you hear about the blonde who ...

... spent ages looking at an orange juice box because it said 'concentrate.'

... studied for a blood test.

... put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

...tried to drown a fish.

... took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

... sent a fax with a postage stamp on it.

... tripped over a cordless phone.

... heard that most crimes happen around the home, so she moved.

... called her boyfriend to get his phone number.

... when asked the capital of London said 'L'

... came last in a breast stroke swimming race and then complained because the other competitors were using their arms.

... was pleased she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months because it said '2 to 4 years' on the box.

GOOGLE by post

Canine humour






The latest news





Naughty but good ones!









Not politically correct




Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque..

They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.




Two Asian heroin addicts have injected themselves with curry powder by mistake - both are in intensive care...

One has a dodgy tikka and the other one is in a korma.




During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree.

A spokesman for the Birmingham City Council said 'We didn't even know they were living up there'.




Asian Minorities in the UK have complained that there is not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown 5 times a week now.




I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger haired kid, with two friends?




I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits.




A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about Sex at that age."

"Curious about Sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"




I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed.

How could anyone stoop so low?





I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.

I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"


WHEN I ASKED MYSELF WHO NEEDS AN ANGEL TODAY, I THOUGHT OF YOU!

They didn't want her, so they sent her to me..

I don't want her so, I'm sending her to You !

The rules are simple: You can send her ANYWHERE, but you can't send her BACK !!!!

Hmmm ...

A man boarded an airplane at Coolangatta with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde, female crew member to take care of the box for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour.

Shortly before landing in Sydney, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs on the Gold Coast, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:
1. Men never learn.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most men think.

Only the Irish

An Irishman is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He immediately dials 000.

Irishman: ''It's my wife! I've accidentally shot her, I've killed her!''

Operator: ''Please calm down Sir, can you first make sure she is actually dead!''

*click* *BANG! *

Irishman: ''Okay, done that. What next?''

Best wedding invitation


Medical advice

A woman went to her doctor for advice.

She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.

"Do you enjoy it?" the doctor asked.

"Actually, yes, I do" she said.

"Does it hurt you", he asked?

"No. I rather like it!"

"Well, then," the doctor continued, "there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."

The woman was mystified. "What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?"

"Of course", the doctor replied. "Where do you think politicians come from?"

Two beggars

Parvinder and Habib are street beggars. They beg in different areas of Darwin

Habib begs just as long as Parvinder but only collects $2 to $3 every day.

Parvinder brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Habib says to Parvinder 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 notes every day?'

Parvinder says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?

Habib's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.

Parvinder says 'No wonder you only get $2- $3.'

Habib says, 'So what does your sign say'?

Parvinder shows Habib his sign.

It reads, 'I only need another $10 to move back to Pakistan '.

Ain't love grand

An elderly gent was invited to an old friends home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen , the man leaned over to his host, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names'.

The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said, 'Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old bitch what her name is.'

Women who know their place

Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'

The woman looked Ms.Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, *'Land Mines.'*


Moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak or where you go): BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN

Hmmmm ...

A man boarded an airplane at Coolangatta with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde, female crew member to take care of the box for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour.

Shortly before landing in Sydney, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs on the Gold Coast, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:
1. Men never learn.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most men think.