'What's that big brass gong ?' one of the guests asked.
'It's not a gong . It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.
'A talking clock ? Seriously ?' asked his astonished friend..
'Yup,' replied the drunk.
'How's it work ?' the friend asked, squinting at it.
'Watch,' the drunk replied.
He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. .
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed,
'You asshole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!'
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said....
"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?'
The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'
'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'
'You dumber than buffalo shit. It means someone stole the tent.'
Many years ago a man was travelling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.
As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"
"That fellow travelling through," said the farmer, "needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."
The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.
About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing dishevelled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.
The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.
The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.
When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"
"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.
The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"
The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, 'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'
Earl continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says, 'You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.'
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that, Doc?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.
"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he had left his gun at home and so he could not shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly”
When you apply for Welfare in Pakistan, Somalia, China, Mexico or Arab countries, what does that Government give you?
A map of Australia!
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing, Mister! You're just like Frank."
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more! He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody�s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too -- He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his damned widow."
The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and says, "My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years, I cannot hold your past against you, in fact maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life a bit?"
She said, "No I don't think you understand - my name was Brian and I played rugby for New Zealand ........"
A little old lady from Wisconsin had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation.
When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in approximately the 1940s, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan. The producers wanted a rhyme beginning with 'Carnation Milk is best of all.'
She thought to herself, I know all about milk and dairy farms.. I can do this!
She sent in her entry, and several weeks later, a black limo pulled up in front of her house. A man got out and said, 'Carnation LOVED your entry so much, we are here to award you $2,000 even though we will not be able to use it!'
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.
"Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say, I would like it infrequently."
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then, looking over his glasses, he casually asked, "Is that one word or two words?"
The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink In fact, this one is on me.'
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming up,' says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming right up,' the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'
The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs
And make love,' and you answer,
'Pick one; I can't do both!'
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you
On your new alligator shoes
And you're barefoot.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe catches your fancy
And your pacemaker opens the garage door,
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes,
Just as long as you don't have to go along.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police
'OLD' IS WHEN..
'Getting a little action'
Means you don't need to take any fiber today.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car
In the parking lot.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up
To use the bathroom.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are not sure these are jokes?
As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,
'YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;
YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?'
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION,
BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'
On a beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were driving through Wales. At the town of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the waitress, “Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?”
The girl leaned over and said, “Burrr.... Gurrr.... King.”
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.'
Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'
Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet... Why?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'
Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'
Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning..'
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'Your sense of humor!'
Since her new husband is so old, Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected 'knock' on the door.
Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.
They unite as one.
All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Wally.
Again he is ready for more 'action.'
Somewhat surprised, Anne consents for more coupling.
When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it.... Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action.'
And, once again they enjoy each other.
But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally.'
Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Anne and says: 'You mean I was here already?'
The moral of the story: Don't be afraid of getting old, senior moments have advantages.
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again ....he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts your
'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'
The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them...'
It pays to be careful around old people!!!
faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for
his nurse to come near.
"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.
"I would really like to see Prime Minister and the Treasurer before
I die", whispered the priest.
"I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse.
The nurse sent the request to Parliament and waited for a response.
Soon the word arrived; Prime Minister Kevin Rudd and Treasurer Wayne
Swan would be delighted to visit the priest.
As they went to the hospital, Kevin commented to Wayne, "I don't know
why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly will help our
images and might even get me re-elected Prime Minister. After all,
I'm IN IT TO WIN IT". Wayne agreed that it was a good thing.
When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Kevin's hand
in his right hand and Wayne's hand in his left.There was silence and a look
of serenity on the old priest's face.
Finally Kevin Rudd spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have
chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"
The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life
after our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ."
"Amen", said Kevin. "Amen", said Wayne.
The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; I
would like to do the same."
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.