My Resimay

To hoom it mae cunsern,

I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper.
I kin Type realee qwik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.
I think I am good on the fone and I no I am a pepole person.
I no my spelling is not too good.
My salerery is open, I kin start emeditely.

Thank yoo in advanse fore yore anser.

Sinseerly,

Tiffanny

PS : Because my resimay is a bit short I sent a pickture of me.

Employer's response:

Dear Tiffany,

It's OK honey, we've got spell check.

See you Monday.

Lifesavers

A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) of first-graders using a bowl of Lifesavers.

The children began to identify the flavours by their colour:

Red ................... Cherry
Yellow ................ Lemon
Green ................ Lime
Orange ............... Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all a honey-flavoured Lifesaver. After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste.

'Well,' she said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spat her Lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh my God!! They're arse-holes!'

New ergo-mouse designed for females

After years of research, scientists have discovered that women do not like the standard mouse given away with PC's. Scientists found that there is not a physical reason for their aversion; it is more of a psychological problem. Some women reported that their mouse 'just didn't feel right' in their hands.

Based on the research, a new mouse has been designed especially for women:

Various field tests have been carried out on the new design:

Julie from Hounslow said: 'It feels so much better. More comfortable, more like how it's supposed to be'

Susan from Chelmsford added: 'I think mice were originally designed just for men, but this new type is definitely made for women. It fits right in with my lifestyle'

Hillary from Kent said: 'I took to it like a duck to water, every woman should have one'!

Sally from London said: 'It feels so natural'

AAADD - know the symptoms

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Coke on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

the car isn't washed

the bills aren't paid

there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter

the flowers don't have enough water,

there is still only 1 check in my check book,

I can't find the remote,

I can't find my glasses,

and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail......

Best clean joke of the year

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said 'I want to be a movie star.'

Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, 'What's your name?'

The guy said, 'My name is Penis van Lesbian.'

The agent said, 'Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name.'

'I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is a fine old Dutch name and is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Nope, not ever.'

The agent said, 'Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years .... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you.'

'So be it! I guess we will not do business together' the guy said and he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER.....

The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a cheque for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000?

He reads the letter enclosed ...

'Dear Sir, five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice.'
Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke